3 Facts for the Day

18 06 2013

1. Imagine, if you will, a thirty-something woman stuck motionless outside her minivan’s sliding door. Her sunglasses are starting to slip off her “roots need to be touched up bad” head. She is powerless to catch the sunglasses, and is silently praying that her nose doesn’t start to itch. The humidity of a Mississippi afternoon is causing a tiny bead of sweat pearls to form at her hairline, and she’s rethinking the choice to have worn skinny jeans on such a day. She’s a prisoner to the scenario that has unfolded in the infant carseat. She holds a pile of napkins over the chaos with one hand, and uses the other to keep the baby’s hands out of her mouth. She waits patiently for her knight in shining armor to return, and is secretly grateful this happened with him there. I’ve set the scene, so let’s go back to the beginning.
2. Today was Bailey’s 6 month well baby visit. Her appointment was at 2 o’clock. We start heading out the door 30 minutes before her check-up, even though the office is only 10 minutes away. Any parent understands this logic. It’s the only way to arrive a mere 5 minutes late. (Read that again if you need to). When we pulled into the parking lot, (yes, 5 minute late) I noticed immediately that we forgot the diaper bag. Ok. First off, you should never do this. You will need it most when you don’t have it! Then the husband says the dreaded words, “we probably won’t need it.” Secondly, don’t ever, I repeat EVER say that. That’s when you will. As we settled into the waiting room, squishy sounds emit from Bailey’s bottom half. Dang, she doodied. I quickly hone in on a Mom holding a baby boy a few seats over, and ashamedly ask for a diaper. In true camaraderie she passes over a diaper with a smile, mentioning that it may be a little big. It was indeed a size larger than the ones Bailey had just gotten into. With a fresh diaper we sailed through the appointment with minimal crying over the exam process. Everyone had come to the appointment and insisted on sitting on the exam table, but the pediatrician didn’t seem confused when three little girls turned towards him as he entered. We went for a celebratory late lunch at the Golden Arches. It’s not the healthiest, but indeed delicious. The two year old usually has ice cream in a cup, but got her first experience with a cone today. She didn’t surprise me a bit when she started eating the bottom of the cone first.
3. We needed to pick up a few things at the super center, which is a common occurrence. As I went to extract Bailey, I saw it. Oh the horror. It was reminiscent of one of those chocolate lava cakes. Rising out of the fat creases of the baby’s groin was a bubbling seepage of utter foulness. It had embedded not only in the fat rolls of her thighs, but also the lap belt of the carseat. I couldn’t see the damage underneath and indeed did not want to image it either. Her tiny hands had taken to exploring this new development and therefore were a horrific scene of brown, green gore. Ben threw me a wad of leftover fast food napkins from the glove box and took off on his quest for diapers and wipes. When he returned, we went to work like a hazmat crew. If only we had crime scene tape to string around the vehicle. It couldn’t have drawn more attention than me holding a naked baby in the air, underneath her armpits while Ben hastily scrubbed with wipe after wipe. Our backup pit crew sat in the basket singing twinkle, twinkle until Ben informed them there would be no singing in a situation like this. I can only assume that the too big diaper, in concert with baby Gowen exploding gas, and Ben’s fate tempting comment had conspired to produce the malady we now endured. The outfit she had been wearing was beyond salvage, so I carried in a diaper clad only babe. Within 2 minutes of entering the store, we encountered another naked baby. Ben mused that perhaps he had pooped all over himself as well. As I looked down at my chubby, pale and naked darling, she grinned at me as if to say, “isn’t this just the best time ever?” I looked down and noticed some green doodoo in my nails. Yes dear, I suppose it is.
That is all 🙂

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